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Saturday, August 31, 2013

A Day In the Life of a Social Phobic

I was relaxed all day today. My better half and I spent the day, chatting, having our coffee. He was studying and so was I.

The day wore on and it was time for me to run to class. I tried to make sense of my hair...not an easy task, let me tell you. I got dressed and drove off to the college. I was enjoying music on the way, keeping my eye on the clock-I may be about 5 or 10 minutes late for class I thought, but I wasn't that stressed about it.

I found a space to park upon arrival. I rolled up my windows, grabbed my keys and handbags and started off to the building where class was to be held. I walked at a quick pace not wanting to be any later than I was and climbed the staircase and rushed down the hall to my room. My chest was burning from the quick walk.I was a bit breathless but I took a few deep breaths to settle myself as I opened the classroom door.

I noticed all the back row seats were taken and so I would have to walk past my whole class and find a seat up front. It was quiz time so I hurriedly got my paper and pen and started writing my answers to the questions on the board. I did well I thought. I was done just after everyone else and I turned in the paper.

By this time, I was feeling my social anxiety beginning to opress me. I felt as if everyone's eyes were somehow, for some reason, drawn to me. I tried to ignore the feeling. I listen to my professor, I decide to try for an answer to his question. I do answer...somehow though, the feeling of anxiety persists.

As I listen, the feeling of being watched begins to overpower me. I try to move around and make myself more comfortable but my heart is racing now and I feel breathless. I am trying to conceal it. I continue to watch the professor and listen to the discussion.

By the end of the class, I am shaky and I feel weak. I fumble with my books and papers then make a rush for the door.The voices in my head begin to persuade me that I am not good enough. I don't have what it takes to make the grade. I push the thoughts away and turn on my radio. I am wishing...be home now...now!

When I park my car in the yard, I slowly get up out of my seat and on shaky legs step into my house. I am still disrupted, I am still trembling and having trouble breathing without sighing. I wonder to myself....why am I feeling like this? Is it my brain? Heredity? I have no definite answers. All I can do is ride the wave.
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