One of the problems with Depression is a gnawing self-blame. You get that 'guilty' feeling in the pit of your stomache and it is hard to put it aside.What do I feel guilty about? A lot of things!
I feel guilty about not being a good enough mother. I agonize about my relationship with my husband. I hate that I gained so much weight, that I don't clean the house as well as I should, that I don't go to bed at the same time my husband does. If I buy things that are needed, I feel terrible about having just a little money left.
In my head...in my 'rational' self, I can believe that I am not a monster. I can say to myself, as I would a friend, "Hey, nobody's perfect. Be easy on yourself. You are no worse than anyone else." Yes but, Depression is irrational. It tunnels through the brain like a mole in the dirt and tears up the roots as it goes. Thoughts ambush you and you get that sinking feeling that tells you how really small and dumb and ugly you are.
My adult children are in varying degrees of dysfunction. Some are progressing past our bad times and are actually doing quite well. Some are still growing and maturing. One is in the throes of mental illness, addiction and anger. She has to hit her bottom just as the others did and then climb out of the cesspool to take in fresh air. Yet, you see, eventhough I can no longer control her actions as when she was a small child, I still feel guilty for her dysfunctionality somehow.
Is the very bottom of what I feel within, the guilt, the distrust, the fear....is it something that in time may ebb and I put behind me? I look to the future with some hope. I am careful, of not wanting to seem too exhuberant,...I may lose everything tomorrow. If I half expect that to happen, than maybe if and when it happens, I'll be able to go on somehow...
