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Saturday, September 28, 2013

I've been feeling so drained lately.
I have this problem....
I overdo the things most people keep under control....

I exhaust myself...emotionally, physically....then I can't stay awake.
Unproductive hours turn into unproductive days.
Relaxation is hard to come by.
Exhaustion takes it's place.
I'm not any good for anything when it hits me.

First my eyes struggle to stay open, then it is as if I am staring down some abyss
that pulls me down, down...
until I succumb and then go into a reverie.

I catch myself snoring.
I pull away from my desk and lie down.
I close my eyes and enter a world that is both near and far
as if I'm lost in twight.

When I awake, I feel somehow refreshed.
It's only been a few minutes.
My dimensions were broadened for just a while.

The places I go in my dreams are all familiar.
 I dream the same dreams over and over again-
I like being there, wherever 'there' is.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Damned If I Do and Damned If I Don't

The feelings of threat arise within me quite easily. It is my own insecurity I suppose but no matter how hard I try to push things out of my mind, they come back to haunt me.
I know that there are certain triggers in my life that, when they come, cause me a lot of distress.
I try to 'deal' with it yet, I am not always successful.

I decided several weeks ago to cut out my Klonipin in order to 'feel' again. I felt extremely drowsy most of the time and I had a hard time keeping up with schoolwork. I blamed the drug. Although it was a minute dose and helped me to sleep through the night, I felt like it was time to deal with anxiety on my own.

Since coming off of Klonipin, anxiety has been worse. I take many deep breaths, my hands shake and my chest occasionally hurts. I am determined, however, to face my 'demons' and try to drive them out. I'll give it a couple of weeks and see if I get any better.

My better half says, "Take a chill pill" ...He remembers me before the Zoloft, before the Klonipin. I would like to enjoy the ride, at least some of it, without the med haze....feeling more energetic yet never able to just 'chill' is tough to learn. Dear Lord, I am trying!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A Busy Life And The Resistance Of Age

I forget how busy I really am. I get up early, it's still dark and quiet in the house except for the faint sound of my daughter's radio.
When I awake, it's hard for me to focus on the day ahead. I only know that I want my coffee, I need the toilet....then it all floods back...yes, classes today, doctor's appointments, one of the kid's needs a ride. Little by little, the caffeine does it's job and I begin to come to life.

Lately, some of my dreams come back during the middle of the day. A feeling, almost a faint deja vu and the sense that somehow my dream state and my reality have merged in a moment.
It's a strange feeling and one that unpredictably comes to me as I do the tedious little chores like sweeping or washing dishes. Aha! Yes, I remember...that IS what I was dreaming about!
I can't figure out why this is but I have a feeling it has to do with changes in my brain from my medication. It's not unpleasant, just slightly weird.

 I have become overwhelmed. I can no longer go at the pace I once did. My body is tired and heavier. I study when I'm not driving or trying to quell the needy teenager's and their restlessness.I sense I am losing focus. I am losing control of my physical self.
I understand my grandmother's statement of frustration," In my mind I still feel young but then my body does not cooperate with the image I have of myself."
Yes, I understand. Here I am in my 'middle-years' and I see the effects of gravity, sunlight, stress and....let's not forget: aging.

I think of that Joni Mitchell song Circle Game. We start out wanting to be older and mature and then, we finally get to that peak we so impatiently climbed, realizing that now it is leveling out but soon we will try to stop the speeding carousel and drag our feet to slow down the process of human deterioration.

Yeah, I know and believe that there is a spiritual side in all of us that never dies. Most of the time, the thought of death doesn't bother me any more. I have accepted that there is an end.
I suppose what I don't want to think about is the process with which I'll end up there, at least not just yet.

Remember, the ugly, old woman/witch is the invention of male-dominant cultures, the beauty of crones is legendary: old women are satined-skinned, softly wrinkled, silver-haired, and awe-inspiring in their truth and diginity. ~Susun S. WeedSo, maybe busy-ness is a good thing. It keeps me from dwelling on the reality to come, The unanswered questions of will I be healthy in my old age? Will I be active? Will I become senile? Will I be loved? Cared for?

Yes, I would take the studying, driving around and household chores over the answers to those questions right now.
Busy-ness IS a good thing!