Damned If I Do and Damned If I Don't

The feelings of threat arise within me quite easily. It is my own insecurity I suppose but no matter how hard I try to push things out of my mind, they come back to haunt me.
I know that there are certain triggers in my life that, when they come, cause me a lot of distress.
I try to 'deal' with it yet, I am not always successful.

I decided several weeks ago to cut out my Klonipin in order to 'feel' again. I felt extremely drowsy most of the time and I had a hard time keeping up with schoolwork. I blamed the drug. Although it was a minute dose and helped me to sleep through the night, I felt like it was time to deal with anxiety on my own.

Since coming off of Klonipin, anxiety has been worse. I take many deep breaths, my hands shake and my chest occasionally hurts. I am determined, however, to face my 'demons' and try to drive them out. I'll give it a couple of weeks and see if I get any better.

My better half says, "Take a chill pill" ...He remembers me before the Zoloft, before the Klonipin. I would like to enjoy the ride, at least some of it, without the med haze....feeling more energetic yet never able to just 'chill' is tough to learn. Dear Lord, I am trying!

Depression Rears It's Ugly Head

There are mornings when I wake up and feel the overwhelming desire to crawl into a hole and hide.
I've been fighting off my depression lately. It's not as bad as before I found Zoloft, but it's there....like a foggy darkness that tries to take over quietly, stealthily.

I find it extremely difficult to concentrate when I feel the fog. My mind skips and bounces and feels like some wicked rubber ball . I can feel my paranoia creeping in, the hypersensitivity.

Depressive disease is more than just a passing 'bad day.' It's more than a passing emotion. It is indeed a disease in the brain that may lay dormant for months, even years, only to be triggered by an event, stress or biochemical changes.

It's something that I can't help. Therapy helps, Zoloft takes the edge off, Klonipin helps me sleep. Sooner or later, the fog comes around and all I can do is accept it's presence and try to deal as best I can.

The paranoia I feel and the agitation that comes with it frustrates me. I pray for it to stop. I try to sleep it off but it takes it's time. Depression departs at it's own pace.

 I try to take myself out. "Be good to yourself," I say, and I am. It helps. I can browse a thrift store, watch a movie, even grocery shop. I have to keep moving or else I will sleep....and sleep and sleep!
I share with my soul-mate how I feel. I tell him that my depression has come back. He asks me,"Am I depressing you?" I say no...that it just happens. I can't control it. He looks at me and says helplessly,"I don't know what to say..."

I don't know either.