Hindsight

I have these moments where a new revelation about my past comes to light. It's one of those times when everything you have been thinking about just makes sense and you fit another piece to the puzzle of "Who Am I Today?"
There are days that I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I open my eyes, I yawn and stretch and then ask myself how is it that the world changed so much while I was sleeping.

I hadn't slowed down until recently. For many years, I was what I coined as "Terminally Busy." If I wasn't restlessly cleaning, having one child and then another and a another....I was busy trying to research my interests. Mostly I'd be in church, thinking that would be a 'safe haven.' I was always avoiding facing my problems though. If I kept constantly busy, my mind would be occupied and I wouldn't have to realize how really bad things were getting in my life.
Now I understand : I was in survival mode.

At some point, I had to stop running. I had to learn honesty-first, with myself than with those around me.That was when I had started waking up and realized that I had been sleep-walking through my life and not engaging in time for myself or any of the people that I loved.

My children would ask if I remembered a particular event, something that really stood out in their minds and on more than one occasion, I had to admit that no...I could not. Somehow, my mind kept drifting elsewhere and babies would cry and dinners needed cooking and I had nothing left to give including my attention.

Suffering with depression and an anxiety disorder, kept me in a hyper-vigilant state. I would become  paranoid, obsess about every little thing my partner said and did because I didn't trust him. I felt no self worth and so I couldn't understand why anyone else would want me either, (I still battle with that everyday.)

I think that having been on medication for my disorders for the better part of a year, has allowed me to see how crazed I was. It's as if another person was living my life. She still tries to break through every now and then.

Overcoming negative thought is and always has been a hard value for me to learn. Unfortunately,  I am self-defeating in many areas. I've been overcome with mistrust and suspicion and when my depression strikes, I feel like any complement I receive, any 'pat-on-the-back', is merely someone being kind and patronizing. It is difficult for me to find value in myself although others seem to.

I am careful now to protect myself from spiritual vampires. People who want to argue about whether or not God is real. Is there such a thing as mental illness or is it all just Satanic oppression rather than a brain chemistry problem? I have come to a place where I am not up to proving my ideas or research. I simply say, "Everyone has a right to their own beliefs" and end it there. To the spiritual vampire however, often this is not enough and they try to bait me into a discussion.

I'm done. I have nothing to prove. I am who the Creator has made me and there seems to always be room for improvement. That's between me and God. One good thing about this realization is that my faith in God grows deeper.

In hindsight, what could I have done differently? Could I have somehow prevented my mind from affecting me the way it has? Am I deficient in some way that life is something I just don't get? There are way too many what-ifs. There is no possibility of renting a time-machine for the night and re-doing the trouble spots in my life. I can only accept who I was, who I used to be. I can take responsibility for today, minute-by-minute but the past is gone. Only the effects, like endless ripples in a pond, can still be felt.

Sometimes I can rise above the feelings of remorsefulness for the past, the false guilt that whispers to me, telling me I will never be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or happy. Those times are brief yet they are there and the past fits the edges of a puzzle that makes a full portrait of who I am.

The Guilts

  One of the problems with Depression is a gnawing self-blame. You get that 'guilty' feeling in the pit of your stomache and it is hard to put it aside.
What do I feel guilty about? A lot of things!
I feel guilty about not being a good enough mother. I agonize about my relationship with my husband. I hate that I gained so much weight, that I don't clean the house as well as I should, that I don't go to bed at the same time my husband does. If I buy things that are needed, I feel terrible about having just a little money left.

In my head...in my 'rational' self, I can believe that I am not a monster. I can say to myself, as I would a friend, "Hey, nobody's perfect. Be easy on yourself. You are no worse than anyone else." Yes but, Depression is irrational. It tunnels through the brain like a mole in the dirt and tears up the roots as it goes.  Thoughts ambush you and you get that sinking feeling that tells you how really small and dumb and ugly you are.

My adult children are in varying degrees of dysfunction. Some are progressing past our bad times and are actually doing quite well. Some are still growing and maturing. One is in the throes of mental illness, addiction and anger. She has to hit her bottom just as the others did and then climb out of the cesspool to take in fresh air. Yet, you see, eventhough I can no longer control her actions as when she was a small child, I still feel guilty for her dysfunctionality somehow.

Is the very bottom of what I feel within, the guilt, the distrust, the fear....is it something that in time may ebb and I put behind me? I look to the future with some hope. I am careful, of not wanting to seem too exhuberant,...I may lose everything tomorrow. If I half expect that to happen, than maybe if and when it happens, I'll be able to go on somehow...

Depression Rears It's Ugly Head

There are mornings when I wake up and feel the overwhelming desire to crawl into a hole and hide.
I've been fighting off my depression lately. It's not as bad as before I found Zoloft, but it's there....like a foggy darkness that tries to take over quietly, stealthily.

I find it extremely difficult to concentrate when I feel the fog. My mind skips and bounces and feels like some wicked rubber ball . I can feel my paranoia creeping in, the hypersensitivity.

Depressive disease is more than just a passing 'bad day.' It's more than a passing emotion. It is indeed a disease in the brain that may lay dormant for months, even years, only to be triggered by an event, stress or biochemical changes.

It's something that I can't help. Therapy helps, Zoloft takes the edge off, Klonipin helps me sleep. Sooner or later, the fog comes around and all I can do is accept it's presence and try to deal as best I can.

The paranoia I feel and the agitation that comes with it frustrates me. I pray for it to stop. I try to sleep it off but it takes it's time. Depression departs at it's own pace.

 I try to take myself out. "Be good to yourself," I say, and I am. It helps. I can browse a thrift store, watch a movie, even grocery shop. I have to keep moving or else I will sleep....and sleep and sleep!
I share with my soul-mate how I feel. I tell him that my depression has come back. He asks me,"Am I depressing you?" I say no...that it just happens. I can't control it. He looks at me and says helplessly,"I don't know what to say..."

I don't know either.